My road: THE STRUGGLES - To loving myself

Hi, 

I've never posted a blog for a 2 years now and I don't know if someone is reading this. My name is Mary Rose Banzon a digital creator, a dreamer, a ocean lover and a vlogger. I have been lost for a lot of years since I graduated high school. You might also feel this way when you don't know what course or degree you want on college, some are lucky that at early age they already know that they destined to do this or that. I was lost that I took up tourism so random and live with it. I got scared and feel not belong so I learned how to put on makeup bcoz I know that I dont have a perfect skin. I never thought that I was meant to be here. I was known as a happy girl who jokes around and make people smile.

I don't want to share my struggles in life and people will start to pity me. I don't wanna be labeled as a lonely kid infront of everybody. I got a scholarship in college and work in the university library for a free tuition fee for 3 years to help my parents. I'm super happy that I get to do that and I love talking to different people all the time. 

After college, my goal is to just have a job and make my parents proud for earning money. I was happy at first when I got my first job as a Social Media Executive I never thought that blogging will lead me to get a job. At first i was happy and made a lot of friends and learn a lot! 

I lost my job after 3 months bcoz of cost cutting. I was devastated and I'm afraid to take a risk again. But I need to work to make my parents proud...that's my reason all the time. I thought office work and the social media/marketing industry is what I want because I love blogging but I guess I only stayed because of the money I get from it. I know that you earn more here in the philippines when you work on your desk and infront of a computer for 9 hours. I spent all my money buying food that I never get to try before. I spent every pesos on eating the food that I can afford now.

Then I got job again then resign and got a job again and resign. I cried every night, every morning and everyday and I hope someone could ask me that time if I'm okay that people will genuinely ask me about my day and about how I feel. I am drowning on my own emotions and I can't breathe anymore. I always go to work feeling tired, lonely, unhappy and unmotivated like every step feels so heavy to take in.  You know why?

Because I'm LOST! I'm like a kid wandering and lost in a place that full of loneliness and I don't know if I can get out or see the way out in here. The longer I stayed the heavier it's feels and my mind and body can't take it anymore. I know that I'm not happy with everything and still I was pushing myself to go to work and let myself suffer in pain everyday trying to impress everyone and trying to not dissapoint me and my parents...until I lose myself in the process of trying. I WANT TO ESCAPE!!

I stopped working and decided to work for different brands as a digital creator full time. I didn't earn much and I don't have a full time salary. Sometimes I didnt earn for few months and people who I love start talking that it's worthless and that I'm just wasting my time. And I agree eventhough I'm happy creating content ...I decided to find a job again and tried everything to be okay.

I have suffered from depression and tried to kill myself by overdosing to pills. The pain is unbearable thinking that killing myself will stop the pain forever.....until I wake up next morning alive again. God, saved me again! I don't know his plans for me and my faith in him that time is weak. My depression got even worst that my health is at stake, I can't sleep, I can't eat and I'm having too much breakouts that only makeup can hide. I can't go out without full makeup bcoz I don't want people to see the true me and not respect me because I'm not pretty. 

What was the hardest part? I'M FIGHTING IT ALONE. NO ONE UNDERSTANDS ME AND NO ONE HELD MY HANDS IN THE PROCESS. Yes, I'm used to be alone that I can do alot of things on my own but I guess I need someone to help me in healing myself. I just need someone to mentally support me and encourage me. I can only feel pain and I have to fight the demon inside me everyday. 

I realize that day on my last suicide attempt that I always wake up  because I have something amazing planned for me. And that day...I hold on to god, I prayed and he gave me hope to start a new life somewhere away. He made my long dreams come true.